Now that I’ve got that out of the way let me get down to business: Shoot me. Shoot me in the face with a bazooka.
Elliott, my 17 month old is going through teething pains these last few days. If you haven’t been though this experience yourself, let me tell you that nothing on planet Earth can prepare you for the perfect storm of typical, naughty toddler behavior mixed with pain-induced outbursts. Going into parenthood you come to expect a lot of the stereotypical experiences such as sleepless nights, potty training, tantrums and so forth. But this… This is something else… Something dark and unyielding.
For the last couple of days it has not been uncommon for the tears and the screaming to last upwards of an hour uninterrupted. It’s the kind of crying that lasts so long that when he does eventually pause, the silence as he draws his next breath is almost as terrifying as the screams that preceded it. Because you know the outburst isn’t over… his voice is just reloading.
The rational part of my brain knows that my son is in pain and distraught, and I need to do my best to make him feel better, but the tantrums that come with this experience punch any rational thinking square in the nuts. Tonight Elliott screamed at the table and threw his food on the floor for a good 15 minutes because he wanted cheese. Cheese. COME ON, MAN!
Again, I love my son. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But I still can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, he’s on a mission to break us. It’s with this in mind that I’ve devised a brilliant plan to counteract his master scheme. It’s a multi-step plan that will ensure my wife and I make it through this alive, and in one piece.
Step One: Make frequent supply runs to the liquor store to fuel our resistance.
Step Two: Fall asleep on the couch no later than 8:30 every night while watching DVR episodes of Hawaii 5-0.
I think it’s a pretty solid blueprint for victory. Wish us luck.
This month’s Speed Painting is Sackboy from the Playstation franchise ‘Little Big Planet’!