We all know that Halloween is just an excuse to either let our kids dress up as their favorite super hero or cartoon characters, or for the adventurous adults, it’s a time to unleash your inner kink as you dress up as a sexy nurse, doctor, vampire, or some kind of sexualized inanimate object like a lamp or a taco. There is however, one tradition that stands above all else, and that is the endless piles of delicious candies; a bountiful harvest of sugar, chocolate, and inevitable diabetes as kids and adults the world over take their spoils home and dump them on the kitchen table to see who got the best haul. Snickers, M&Ms, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey Kisses, Twix, and so many endless options of delicious sweets and teeth-rotting goodness lay strewn about the table… and then you see it. The uninvited, the unwelcome, the distasteful candy that some horrible Karen or out of touch grandparents snuck into your treasure trove. These candies aren’t just bad, they’re awful. They’re rude. They fly in the face of the very spirit of the holiday. These are, the 5 worst candies to get on Halloween!
Do you know how old Candy Corn is? It’s so old that in 1888, it was originally called Chicken Feed. Do you know WHY it was called Chicken Feed? Because corn wasn’t considered real people food prior to World War 1. No, not the war your Grandfather was in, the one your Great-grandfather was in. Do you know who still gives out Candy Corn on Halloween? World War 1 veterans. So, unless your name is SGT. Daniels, PVT. Smith, or General Frederick Cornfielderson, you better not be handing out these pre-WW1 era candies. They taste like shit and don’t belong in the same bag or bucket as a real candy.
Speaking of World War era candies, Werther’s Original hard candies aren’t much younger, at 117 years old, these 1903 originals can be found at most grandparent’s houses, usually in a tin that originally housed stale cookies. Look, I like caramel, I really do, but these things aren’t cool and kids don’t want them. I’m not saying Werther’s are bad, per se, but they sure as shit don’t belong in a kids Halloween bucket. Grandma and grandpa can horde these caramel candies and give them to the grand-kids when they get dropped off for a weekend while mom and dad go on a 2-day bender of cocaine and whiskey, just keep em away from the sacred day of sweets.
If you close your eyes and think of licorice, what do you think of? My guess is you’re thinking about a perfect package of strawberry TWIZZLERS. Do you know why that’s what you think of, because the strawberry TWIZZLERS are fucking delicious. Do you know what flavor of licorice no one on Earth thinks about? It’s the black licorice. Why? Because black licorice tastes like sugary shit. Do you know what’s inside the fun pink and white Tic Tac sized candies known as Good & Plenty? Black licorice! Do I even need to say more? Honestly, black licorice is so bad that these should just be banned from production, and I’m truly sorry if you’re one of those people who were born with defective taste buds. If Good & Plenty were filled with the strawberry licorice, I might have put these on a top 10 list, but as they stand, get these away from me!
Remember how, 5 minutes ago I told you that Candy Corn sucked partially because of how old they are and how out of touch they are with the youth of today? Well, Necco Wafers are so much worse! These little disks of candied-chalk originally came in 8 “flavors” including such favorites as lemon, lime, orange, cinnamon, wintergreen, and chocolate. I honestly don’t know how anyone was able to decipher one wafer of chalk from an other, but apparently they were a hit because they only went out of business in 2018, due to a bankruptcy filing that listed sanitation issues as a leading cause. I wonder if someone caught on that adding food coloring to chalk was a health issue!? Well wouldn’t you know it, 2020 is the year that keeps on giving because back in May of this year, the Spangler Candy Company said they were back in production and ready to release later this year. If I know anything about 2020 to be true, it’s this, Necco Wafers are 100% the kind of candy that the Trump Administration will be handing out at the “Mask-Free Halloween MAGA Celebration” on the White House lawn later this month, so do with that as you will.
Halloween is for spooky ghosts and candy. If you’re one of those turd-bag adults who thinks it’s fun to hand out fruits and veggies on Halloween, I hope you know that everyone in your neighborhood hates you and calls you “Karen” behind your back. If you do this to my children, I’m gonna help the neighborhood teenagers TP your house and then I’m gonna put a bag of flaming dog shit on your porch! Don’t make me be that guy; I don’t like it. Also, if you’re one of those sick fucks who tampers with candy, or hides dangerous objects in fruit, like a razor blade, you deserve to rot in Hell. This isn’t cool, and this joke should’ve died before it became a reality all those years ago when I first heard about this happening. Put down the Mach 3 Gillette Turbo 2000, and break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar.
There you have it, the 5 worst Halloween candies that any self-respecting adult could give to a child. On there own, none of these items are terrible (except black licorice), but they don’t belong on the one holiday dedicated to fun costumes, tons of candy, and innocent mischief. Did I get this wrong? Did I call out one of your personal favorites? Did I miss something that is truly horrendous and in need of a spot on this list? Let me know in the comments below or reply to me on Twitter, @SGTBones_.