My Generation: The Xbox Series X/S Buyer’s Guide

This is the day you’ve been waiting for. Next gen gaming is finally here and you’ve unboxed your brand new Xbox (let’s be honest, you probably recorded the unboxing and posted it on Twitter too). You’ve called in sick to work, you’ve put on your best pair of sweatpants, and you have an ample supply of Pizza Rolls and Mountain Dew Game Fuel drinks to get you through the day. But hold up a second… getting that new console is only the beginning. You’re not truly ready for next gen until you have EVERYTHING that you need. Thankfully, your friendly neighborhood Mega Dads have compiled a list of the essential (and not so essential) items that you also need to have before you hear that sweet, sweet boot up music. So put your hard pants back on, grab your bus pass, and get your ass back to Target to grab these must have items.

Seagate 1TB Storage Expansion Card ($219.99

The good news? The future of gaming is digital and hardware makers are embracing that future more than ever with all-digital editions of both new consoles. The bad news? Video game file sizes are bigger than ever, meaning that the internal storage on these devices will probably be enough for one Call of Duty title and a couple of crappy indies. So if you plan on grabbing a boat load of launch titles, you should be prepared to drop two Franklins and a Jackson to get yourself some additional storage.

Turtle Beach Stealth 700 Gen 2 Wireless Headset ($149.99

You’ve got a brand spanking new video game console to play with. You don’t have time to listen to your kids ask for help with their distance learning, or your spouse ask you to empty the garbage for the 10th time. Luckily, the new Turtle Beach 700’s will drown out their constant nagging with their Windows Sonic virtual surround sound and cooling gel infused ear cushions. Features like the ability to wirelessly connect to your Xbox and control your settings through their mobile app make this headset a no-brainer. See our review here.

Duracell AA Batteries – 20 Pack ($15.99

Do you know what’s cool? Rechargeable video game controllers. Also saving the planet. But apparently the Microsoft Corporation didn’t get this memo and you’re going to be burning through AA batteries faster than white sheets at a Trump rally. So grab this 20-pack (or two) to make sure you can go all night long. And when your batteries go dead in the middle of some hot Gears 5 multiplayer, we recommend you just throw those suckers straight in the trash, because if Microsoft doesn’t give a shit about the environment then why should you?

Bengay Ultra Strength Pain Relieving Cream 4oz ($6.89

As much as you might hate to admit, you’re no spring chicken anymore. And countless hours of gaming can leave it’s mark on you. After 12 hours straight of Gears Tactics and Yakuza: Like a Dragon your hand will probably be throbbing like it’s a free Cinemax weekend. Thankfully, with three pain relieving ingredients, Ultra Strength Bengay Cream will provide you with deep penetrating pain relief so that you can keep pushing forward. With the gaming…. not the…. nevermind.

Inflatable 15 inch Donut Pillow w/ Pump & Travel Bag ($11.99

With over 30 games optimized for Series X and 1000’s of games available via backwards compatibility, you’ve got a long week ahead of you and the last thing you need to be worrying about is that nasty hemorrhoid flaring up on the ole rusty bullet hole. This handy inflatable offers protection for your turd cutter so the only pain you’ll be feeling is when you think about how you could have been playing Halo Infinite right now. With a 100% money back guarantee, this pillow is sure to protect your shitbox for hours on end without it turning into a red ring of death.

Xbox Hooded Union Suit ($84.99

If you’re going to act like a child and sit around playing video games all day while you eat Hot Cheetos and chug energy drinks, then you might as well look the part and wear this official Xbox Onesie. That’s right you big man baby, nothing’s going to make your wife want to jump your bones like seeing the father of her children dressed like a damn toddler. Fair warning though, you may want to ease up on the Dorito Loco Taco Supreme’s on game day because this outfit doesn’t have an “escape hatch” and you might not get this thing off of you before dropping an SSD down your pant leg.

Spill Proof Plastic Urinal for Men ($10.89

You’re in an intense multiplayer round of Tetris Effect: Connected. Your palms are sweaty as you grip the controller tightly. You glance to the table next to you and see them. The 9 empty cans of Mountain Dew Code Red. And then it hits you. You’re going to piss your pants. Thankfully you’re prepared for situations such as these because you bought yourself a Spill Proof Plastic Urinal. You one handedly wrestle your analog stick from your pants and relieve yourself as you get that ‘T’ block you so desperately needed. With it’s easy to use snap on lid, your urine will be safely secured next to your plate of Bagel Bites while you finish your game. #Gamer.

One thought on “My Generation: The Xbox Series X/S Buyer’s Guide

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: