The Alphabet according to MegaDads (A-G)

By Antonio aka @hypecaster

The Alphabet according to MegaDads (Part 1. A-G)

Disclaimer: The following is parenting advice from Dads just getting by. Always consult with a medical professional. financial expert, licensed contractor or repair person before taking anyone else’s advice, especially ours.

As we’ve covered in our previous guides, music helps kids learn so Parents need to quickly adapt to an endless barrage of kid songs, nursery rhymes, and bubbly tunes. No jingle is more important as the alphabet song.

Sure phonetics will need to be introduced at some point, but teaching kids to identify letters is a crucial first step on a long educational journey.

C is for Cookie…that takes me back to the good old days of eating paste and shitting myself.

Reciting the alphabet song for our daughter for the first time recently brought back a flood of old memories. Watching her jam out to Cookie Monster’s classic ‘C is for cookie’ and other Sesame Street style letter lessons was surreal.

Aside from reminding me of the cruel passage of time, the other realization I had is that I have very strong feelings about each individual letter in the alphabet.

I thought I’d share some here and give our reader’s a peak into my damage – please enjoy ‘The Alphabet according to Mega Dads’

A

A is for Alpha

I am A

A is for Alpha, Asshole and Antonio.

A is a leader, the undisputed king. The star quarterback that has loads of unprotected sex in high school and somehow never gets pregnant.

You hate A because they’re popular but deep down we all want to be A. A has the charisma of a Rockstar, picture perfect looks, and can pass any test without studying.

Endlessly smug, the ultimate showboat, A is the first, they know it and they show it.

B

B is for Boyscout

You understood that reference

B is for Boyscout, Bossy and Boob

B is second in command, but the most responsible person in the room. B is the hall monitor, teacher’s pet, and designated driver.

You listen to B because they’re in a position of power, they know all the rules because they helped write them, and they command respect much in that weird vice-principal kind of way.

B does his homework on Friday night and always wears a rubber. B does all the work in the group project and does a good job so you don’t give him too much shit as to not run the risk of having to do any work yourself.

C

C is for Clueless

Stop trying to make ‘C’ happen!

C is for Cold, Cunt and Clueless

C sits with the cool kids but doesn’t stand out in any way. C is technically popular but no one actually likes them. C is a side-kick, a stand-in, an underling.  C leaves the party when A and B say it’s time to go.

C bumps into you and never says excuse me. C snaps their fingers to get the waiter’s attention. C rolls their eyes constantly and never leaves a tip.

C has never had an original thought. C parrots bat-shit Fox News talking points they picked up watching Tik-Tok and gets super aggressive after doing one too many lines of coke on their lunch break.

D

D is for Drip

D drips swagger

D is for Drip, Dashing and Denzel

D aka ‘Big D’ always gives off big bold energy. D is edgy and mysterious. D takes risks and walks with swagger. D never gets carded. D wears purple and pulls it off.

Money means nothing to D, he always has it but somehow never needs it. D knows the short-cut and has the hook-up for tickets to the sold-out show.

D is smooth and dapper. D’s parents are out of town so the ragger on Friday is at his place. When D shows up to the party someone instinctively turns up the music. Everyone wants D.

E

E is for Egotistical

E is for Egotistical, Exhausting and Explode.

E is bookmark, allergic to everything and has zero chill. E has a high pitched voice cracks when they’re excited or angry. E is always complaining and never shuts the fuck up about how hot or cold it is. E takes Adderall to get into law school. 

E can never find their glasses and they’re always slightly crooked. E’s parents are rich but they never want to spend any money. E reads the no-parking signs for 20min before they feel right about leaving the car where it is. 

E is a virgin, maybe for life. But one day E is going to be rich and take their revenge.

F

F is for Fried

F is for Fried, Freak and Fucked up

F gives no F’s. F drinks cheap whisky, never brushes their teeth, and always ‘just got a new tattoo’. F has bloodshot eyes and wants to bum a cigarette.

F goes to sleep at 3am when they have a 6am start time. F doesn’t smile in pictures. F owns exactly 3 shirts, two are black, and none are clean.

F isn’t invited to the party but always shows up only to spend all night outside smoking anything that will burn.

G

G is for Gangster

G is for Gangster, Grease and Gonads

G takes no shit. G is the boss. G is never kept waiting and never pays full price. 

G has balls the size of cantaloupes.

You owe G money even though you never borrowed any- and you better pay.  

Don’t fuck with G.

We hope you enjoyed ‘The Alphabet according to MegaDads’ so far! Part 2 is coming soon so stay tuned! While you’re here Check out more of our Parenting Tips!

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